In the words of a dear friend of Wolf & Key, “Butt size always matters…”

But for real, how do you determine if a spider is poisonous? Does butt size matter when considering the poison level of spiders? It’s is a valid question. Because the other day, there was a huge a** spider in the office. And not just metaphorically. The spider’s a** was literally huge.

Obviously, finding a spider anywhere warrants burning down the building it was found in. But we don’t want to move offices again and arson is illegal even if it was because of a spider. Also, we get it, not all spiders are out to kill you and they get rid of other bugs. So some of us here feel bad for killing innocent spiders when they’re just trying to live their best lives out of the cold in a nice cozy warehouse.

All that to say, we needed to figure out if this bro was out to murder our entire team, or if he was just chillin’.

So, we had to consider the original question that prompted this blog post, does butt size matter when considering the poison level of spiders? Because, like we said, this guy (or girl, we don’t assume gender) had a significant amount of junk in the trunk.

Short answer: Nope.

Oh well.

Long answer:

The features of a spider, like the butt, can help you determine the species. Determining the species will make it so that you can Google whether it’s poisonous or not.

Here’s how to determine if a spider is poisonous (for real… but also not really):
  1. Basically, if you’re in the US and you see a spider that’s not a black widow, brown recluse, or hobo spider, you’re fine. If you’re in Australia, everything’s trying to kill you. Move.
  2. If you can handle actually looking at the spider for a decent amount of time without losing your shit, try and determine the species.
    1. Note it’s coloration
    2. Note it’s leg’s features (long, short, hairy, not hairy)
    3. Note the number of eyes it has
  3. Google the features of the spider to figure out the species. Google will tell you if it’s poisonous, not us. Because we’re not experts in every species of spider, okay. We don’t actually have real, definitive answers to this question. This is a useless post. We’d give you photos to compare to your spider to, but we don’t wanna have to look at them to actually add them into this blog, so Google them yourself.

If it’s not poisonous, try not to kill it. Just catch it and drive it out into the country to live on a nice farm somewhere. Most spiders are actually really helpful to the ecosystem.

What did we do with our Kim Kardashian spider?

We followed our steps for how to determine if a spider is poisonous and came to the conclusion that ours wasn’t. Our spider wasn’t a black widow, brown recluse, or hobo spider. So we caught it and released it down by Pike Ride because we’re good neighbors.